I’ll be brutally honest with you: I’ve suffered through drinking chalk and fine sand, and lots of wasted money so that you don’t have to. And it is all because of one real villain of this story: decision fatigue.
I may have been consistent with the gym, but my protein intake? Lord, save me from that heartache, because what do you mean all three meals of my day need to be high in protein, every single day, and on repeat?
My mind was on a constant loop until I found The One because every time I would finish a meal, I would try to calculate the number of calories and grams of protein I hit. And it became so mathematical and measured…you know? I mean, I get that numbers define a big part of our social capital in the world we are living in, but man, does it now have to define what I eat in a day too?
I have always been intuitive with my eating. If I ate like a pig one day, I will ensure I manage to eat in control the next day. And the thing is, the problem was never hunger. It was me, mentally drained, making one more food decision I had zero energy for. So I came up with what I thought was a genius plan
And you gotta give credit where it is due.
If I could replace just ONE of my three meals with a protein shake, that was one meal sorted and one less decision to make.
No planning, no thinking, and no staring into the oblivion end of my fridge.
Easy, right?
Wrong.
It took me almost a year and testing four brands thoroughly to arrive happy and write about this here.
So here’s the whole story, and you can skip the suffering bit.
My demands were not complicated, okay?
Because every time I Google Top 10 Ways to Lose 5 Kgs In 4 Weeks, I come back to basics because, Lord, Google really takes the soul out of my life with its mind-numbing tips.
So, sleeping on time, not making black coffee and cigarettes my ultimate breakfast combo, and eating whole foods were really my goals.
And that is why when it came to protein, I wanted something I could mix with plain water and just drink.
I hate that chalky, sawdust-like texture.
I didn’t want to feel heavy or bloated afterwards. And not sitting there gagging every sip while trying to gulp something down while questioning my life choices.
Oh, and I’m a chocolate lover with a massive sweet tooth, so if it could taste like a treat too, I’d be thrilled.
Was that too much to ask? (Apparently, yes.)
First Try: The Whole Truth Whey Protein Powder In Cold Coffee Flavour
The Whole Truth Whey Protein Isolate+Concentrate
I kid you not when I say this, but falling in love with a protein powder at first sip was not on my bingo card; but then, of course, life is life, and my body betrayed me.
The coffee flavour was the best part, and having that in a protein powder had me in a chokehold. I used it for a month, and then my skin broke out.
And I am not talking li’l pimples here and there; I had a full flare-up.
Turns out, whey just does not suit me because whey is made out of milk, and it’s really heavy for my stomach, and The Whole Truth only makes whey protein powders.
So, if whey suits you, completely go for it, but it didn’t work for my face, and that is a hill I refuse to die on.
So, the verdict is: I loved the taste, but my skin did not.
Now, upon further research on Instagram and Reddit, I walked into the plant protein world with one strong belief: it’s chalky.
Turns out, that’s true for most of it. Not all of them, and I got to learn that the hard way.
Allow me to introduce you to the contestants.
Second Try: Cosmix No-Nonsense Plant Protein in Chikamaglur Mocha
Cosmix No-Nonsense Plant Protein in Chikmagalur Mocha
It was hard f*cking no; the moment I took a sip, I just couldn’t gulp it down and had to spit it out. I wanted something I could just mix with water and drink, and this was nowhere near that.
But being the delusional person I am, hoping every single thing in the world is going to work out for me, I had already bought the ½ kg packet, and I couldn’t waste it. I also couldn’t sneak it into my roti or my sabzi (don’t ask).
So I had to drink it with milk, which made it slightly easier to gulp down. Slightly.
Verdict: Never again.
Third Try: Mille Plant Protein Powder in Unflavoured & Coffee Hazelnut Protein
Mille Plant Protein Powder in Unflavoured & Coffee Hazelnut Protein Trial Pack
At the cost of not repeating my mistakes, I got trial sachets in both unflavored and coffee hazelnut flavour.
Now, the unflavored one claims to be unflavored, but it still had some amount of flavor. You know the sawdust texture and feeling I keep talking about, but it disappeared when I added it to my cold coffee.
That’s the only solution I could find, because if I mixed it with anything else, it added a weird, industrial taste, like I was drinking something out of a giant factory pipe.
And I did not enjoy it one bit. So my verdict was, even ‘unflavored’ wasn’t safe. Moreover, when I worked out in the evenings, there is no way I could drink cold coffee because I knew I’d be hosting my own mata ka jagrata with the kind of energy and jittery feeling I’d have after drinking coffee post 7 pm.
Fourth Try: Func Lab Plant Protein in Chocolate
The Func. Lab Plant Protein – Assorted Flavour Travel Packs
Now comes Func Lab. And I came to this thanks to Instagram. I was influenced to buy it, and I still had my doubts. But, *deep breaths* because I still was delusional to trust Lord Instagram and I bought a trial pack which contained six sachets.
My feed started showing me recipes made with Func Lab’s chocolate plant protein powder. Brownie bites, chocolate ice cream with 28 grams of protein. It was like my childhood dreams had collided with my adult goals. Because you’re telling me I can have brownies every single day with 28g of protein?!
May just say, I was completely enamored.
The six sachets contained three flavours. Namely, vanilla, chocolate, and coffee.
Of course, I jumped to the coffee one first, hoping that I’d save the best [chocolate] and the worst [vanilla] for last.
I tried all three, obviously, and Vanilla was not it for me. Personally, I only enjoy that flavour in the form of an ice cream, and that too with chocolate.
So that one’s on me, not them.
And the coffee flavour, I liked it and would rate it a solid 7/10, but it didn’t slap as coffee does, and of course, I compared it to my toxic love, The Whole Truth Whey Protein Powder. Nothing really beat it until I drank the chocolate variant.
It stopped me in my tracks. I remember when I took the first sip; at the cost of sounding dramatic, I shrieked in joy and shouted at the top of my lungs, ‘Eureka!!!’
And you know why it won, because I did not need milk. I could just mix it with water and drink it, which was literally the dream from the very beginning.
It was so light, and I didn’t feel bloated. Neither did I feel gassy.
It just felt so good; I was already excited to go to the gym and come back home to drink it.
After all that chalk, it was a shock.
And it was a lovely alternative whenever my sweet tooth came knocking, which is basically always.
A protein shake that works like dessert? I did not know that was allowed in the intimidating world of fitness.
The coffee heartbreak I still haven’t healed from, and The Whole Truth coffee whey is still the best I have ever had, and I could never find an alternative to it. They don’t make plant protein like that, but the Func Lab’s chocolate variant can’t be treated as a back-up; it really has now become my main man and The One for me.
And while the search for a good coffee flavour continues, the Func Lab one travels with me everywhere.
The size is SO good. It comes in these small single-serve sachets. Whenever I’m traveling, I pop one into my bag. If I’m at a cafe, having a meal, or just finishing my meetings, I take it out, mix it with cold water, and drink it right there.
I don’t need a tub or a scoop. 28 grams of protein goes into my booty, my triceps, and biceps. I am just a really happy girl. And honestly, that’s what finally made my original plan work. I could easily replace one meal with a protein shake.
And recently, I bought the dark chocolate variant, and somehow it’s even better. It has only 5 ingredients, and it’s sweetened with monk fruit.
Why do I care about the sweetener? Because stevia tastes weird. It has that same industrial taste I keep complaining about, and I just can’t.
Monk fruit doesn’t have that at all, so the whole drink tastes cleaner, and it enhances my experience every single time.
And you know what this experience of drinking a lot of chalk taught me? Plant protein doesn’t HAVE to be chalky.
But you might need to kiss a few frogs to find your prince. If your skin breaks out on whey, talk to your dermat before giving up on protein altogether. Also, flavored doesn’t always mean tasty, and unflavored doesn’t always mean neutral.
Even the sweetener can change the whole experience. And yes, a protein shake can replace a meal on a busy day and take the stress out of planning, which is exactly where this whole journey started.
If you’re about to start your own search, start with trial packs or single sachets, and do not order a ½ kg packet like my dumbass.
Try it with water before milk, because that’s the real test.
Check the ingredient list and the sweetener, since a smaller list is easier to trust. And if you’re counting calories with a sweet tooth, pick a flavor that feels like a treat.
And give it a few tries before deciding, because the first sip is never the full story.
And if you know a good plant-based coffee flavor? Help a girl out because I’m still looking for one.
